In all of the debate surrounding gendered language, I’d like to offer a perspective shift away from focusing on the “badness” or “goodness” inherent in words themselves.
Words hurt not because of we detect a “wrong” property in the word, but because language is an expression of how we take others to be important. We all believe we deserve some level of consideration from other people.
When we address another person, choosing words carefully can show an appreciation for their agency, their individual personhood.
If I tell someone I’d rather not be referred to in a certain way and they deliberately go against that wish, I instinctively find it offensive that the person did not regard my desire as worth her attention.
In this sense, it isn’t the property of the word, nor even the association of the word that seems to be offensive, but rather the motivation of the individual for not taking my wishes as important.
We shouldn’t overly sensitize our language just for the sake of it, but we should realize that our words are a manifestation that shows how much we care about other people.
Choose your words carefully not because of some regard for an abstract system of correctness, but because you want other people to feel that you take them worthy of your effort and consideration.
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