Am I Alone??

Once upon a time not long a go, I have to confront the feeling that I usually can deny. It was started when I sat on my boarding room, listening to Manhattan Transfer’s album and replying some email or messages that was sent by my friends on facebook. To keep my eyes open, I pour a glass of wine. The first glass then followed by another glass and another glass and much more another glass. Before I realize, I was already drunk! During my drunk, every emotion that was keep inside me flooding out like tsunami wave. In normal condition, I always react my emotion with though and strong confident. Under alcohol condition, I am just a girl who lost in the crowd, crying to be save by his father.

On my drunken situation, I have to stand face to face with my loneliness. In the surface, I may look happy about my life. Peoples around me see me as hard worker, ambitious and have bright future young women. The fact that I have no one beside me was something that I never realized before. I mean, I knew I am single, live alone, and make friend with laptop. But, it doesn’t mean that I am alone, right?

I wonder is there anyone else feeling the same with me? Feel that you are all alone in this world full of people? When communication gadget was improved amazingly, is there any of us feel that we are, truly, all alone?
Is it just me or you too, busy with our own life, without realizing that we are sadly alone? Or maybe we realize it, but keep on deny it? Our heart desperately demands for someone, but our mind avoids it by keep telling ourselves that we are not alone? Our minds have the strongest power, you know. We even can say that we are not ill, while our nose has turn to blue for cold.

Maybe this is what happens to me. All this years, my mind keeps on saying that I am not alone. Without my conscious, I then accept that as I am living. That theory explains why I feel alone when I am drunk. People’s minds are dull when he is drunk, right? So when I drunk, my heart takes my mind’s place on organizing my emotion and tadaaa… all the hidden feeling are revealing. That also explains why drunker feel that s/he is more miserable than anyone else is. Because actually we are all living miserable, it just that we are not realise it.

Later that night, when I am drunk enough, I bravely decided to call the love of my life, Indrawan. His answering machine answered. I, then, talked to that god damned machine saying how much I miss him, how sorry I am for everything that happened, and how desperately lonely I am without him. Or maybe something else, I can’t remember exactly what I said. I am drunk, remember? I do not know whether he has listened my message or not, for he never reply or gave comments about it. Well, maybe he needs to be drunk first before he has enough courage to reveal what he feels about me and tell me about it.

“…people fell her/his loneliness not when s/he is sad or fail, s/he faced it exactly when s/he laugh for her/his success but there are no one to laugh with…”

above story was originally written a long time ago, when Tyrannosaurus Rex was a king. Hahahaha