Everything is Not Always What It Seems

Hmmm... Dah lama banget ngga nulis nulis. Bukan karena sibuk, tapi lagi ga tau aja mau nulis apa. Hari ini, kebetulan aku dengerin lagu di youtube, lagu indo, dan entah kenapa lagu itu buat aku sedih. Honestly, udah berhari hari, bahkan mungkin berminggu minggu, mood ku selalu ngga baik. Dan yang jadi masalah, aku ga tau kenapa mood ku selalu unhappy.

Beberapa hari yang lalu, seorang adek kelas memanggil di kotak chat.

"Lu kenapa hari ini?", tanyanya.

"Kenapa gimana? Gua kaga kenapa2 kog", jawabku dengan agak sedikit bingung.

"Muka lu bete amat tadi gua liat", balasnya.

"Hah... Masa sih?? Kaga kog. Baru bangun tidur kali.. hahhhaha", jawabku berusaha menutupi perasaanku sebenarnya.

"Oh... ya udah kalo ga papa. Kirain ada apa2", jawab si adek kelas mengakhiri percakapan kami.

Aku... Duduk diam di depan laptop. Saat itu aku sedang membuka suatu berita, entah berita apa, karena sebenarnya aku hanya melamun, memandangi tulisan tulisan yang bukan bahasa indonesia. Aku terus melamum sampe perhatian ku teralih melihat jam di sudut laptop.

"Wah... Sudah jam 8 malam, waktunya olah raga", pikirku kemudian mengambil kaos kaki di lemari dan memakai sepatu olah ragaku. Mengisi air minum di Tumbler Starbucks-ku kemudian berangkat...

Sesampainya di running track...

"Hm.. ga banyak orang hari ini, tumben ya", pikirku dalam hati. Setelah meletakkan tas berisi Tumbler ku di kursi pinggir running track, melepas jaket biru pemberian bos kakakku, aku pun mulai kegiatan olahragaku. Pertama tama, berjalan mengelilingi running track sebanyak 2 putaran, kemudian BERLARIII... Beberapa kali aku berhenti di tengah2 kegiatan berlari-ku, beristirahat, kemudian berlari lagi.

Tanpa aku sadari, 2 jampun berlalu begitu saja di running track. "Hm.. waktu berjalan cepat sekali ya", kataku pada diriku sendiri sambil melihat jam. Waktunya cooling down!!!! Aku pun berjalan santai untuk cooling down, sebelum kemabali ke asrama. Tanpa kusadari, tiba2 kepalaku menengadah ke atas, memandang langit malam itu. "Ngga ada bintang, as usual", gumamku. "Sebenernya pasti ada bintang, cuma ngga kelihatan aja, mungkin karena polusi udara di kota ini terlalu parah", kataku sambil tersenyum.

"Good friends are like Stars, you don't always see them, but you know they are always there"

Mungkin memang benar sepertin yang orang2 tulis di status FB mereka tentang seorang sahabat. Sama halnya dengan adik kelasku yang entah bagaimana, bisa tau perasaan ku sebenarnya, dimana orang lain ga melihat kepedihan hati ini. Only few people, who able to see my fake smile. Thank you, Megi!

Everything is not always what it seems. Some people hide their tears, maybe with some reason or maybe without any reasons. I came to the realization that NOT everything happens for a reason. Everything that happens has a cause, not reason. Don't you ever think, that "cause" and "reason" are two different things??? For those, who said "everything happens for a reason". Try to understand my previous sentence.

Place Yourself in the Other Person's Shoes

In all of the debate surrounding gendered language, I’d like to offer a perspective shift away from focusing on the “badness” or “goodness” inherent in words themselves.

Words hurt not because of we detect a “wrong” property in the word, but because language is an expression of how we take others to be important. We all believe we deserve some level of consideration from other people.

When we address another person, choosing words carefully can show an appreciation for their agency, their individual personhood.

If I tell someone I’d rather not be referred to in a certain way and they deliberately go against that wish, I instinctively find it offensive that the person did not regard my desire as worth her attention.

In this sense, it isn’t the property of the word, nor even the association of the word that seems to be offensive, but rather the motivation of the individual for not taking my wishes as important.

We shouldn’t overly sensitize our language just for the sake of it, but we should realize that our words are a manifestation that shows how much we care about other people.

Choose your words carefully not because of some regard for an abstract system of correctness, but because you want other people to feel that you take them worthy of your effort and consideration.

Next Ten Years

Once upon a time not long a go, I was having brunch in one of the fine coffee shop with two of my best friends that I have known for quite long times. And here we are, three young girls, all singles, and all have different characteristics talking about anything, for anything can really bring us together. In the middle of our conversation, I asked them about the future. What are we going to be in the next ten years? Will we be the same personalities that sit together right now?

In ten years from now, will Sandra be the fine writer as her goal right now? Will Xiao-Ma be the same childish, funny and adorable person no matter what she does next? More, will I be the Florensia that I always dream of?

I wonder, will ten years give us enough time to be what we want to be right now? To be someone that can wake up in the morning and feel happy about our life. Will ten years of life will changes us? If ten years really changes me, what I will be in the next ten years from now?

In the next ten years, will I be rich and success? Or I will be someone who are in deep frustration for not be rich and success? Will I be happy for my life? Or will I be crazy of my life?

You know what; I do really hope that there is some guiding book for live. So that I can know which road to take, what job to do, and more which life is the best for me. With that book, my life maybe become so predictable, which is actually quite sucks and super duper boring, but at least I don’t have to guessing in the dark for every decision that I will take.

Our future is as mysterious as the mystery of universe. If future can be so mysterious, what is the best thing for us to deal with its mystery? What mystery behind my next ten years? Well, maybe you have to wait until next ten years to get the answer. Right now, I just want to sit and finish writing my English assignment.

A Beautiful Life (story)

I am here, alone. Driving my old motorcycle, go along my town street. My meeting with Darren, my high school’s friend two hours a go was still left on my mind. He asked me why I didn’t come to his party last Saturday night. And I do not have the answer. I wanted to say that he had not invited me, but I cancelled, and just keep the answer on my mind. That fact will hurt me more than to him.

She is not the first friend of mine, who’s no longer involved me in their life. Situation changed. Yea... I know. We are no longer in high school anymore. So, situa-tion got changed. Although actually, I never thought that my world would turn up side down like this after my high school graduation. Back at that time, I always imagined that friendship would last forever. We will be friends forever, just like our promises.

However, situation got changed. My friends, now, are old enough to get driv-ing licenses. And as soon as they get it, their parents give them a new car. The newest car that even its advertisement has not yet released. At first, it was fun. They let me join them to test their car, and of course, their driving skill. That was great experience for me, remembering that my parents can only inherit me old motorcycle. But this fun just like mist in the morning. Soon, as fast as they learn to drive smoothly, they start to ride without my presence.

Fashion also leads our friendship to different ways. With my baggy trousers, old t-shirt, and don’t forget my big thick eyeglasses, I looked like an alien when I hang out with my old high school friends. They wore leather pants and cool t-shirt with low-nicotine cigarette between their lips. So fashionable. So expensive. So far from my financial ability. Hahaha. In high school, where everyone had to wear uni-forms, these differences were not very clearly appeared. I had the same self-confidence as every friend I had. Not like now, when I have to hide on my friend’s back every time we walk on the mall or any public places. I don’t want to embarrass my self, if you want to know why.

The most upsetting point happened when I had to face the fact that my parents can’t afford for my higher education. As blue-collar worker, my father expected me to find a job as soon as possible, to help him support our family financial problems. So, there I am, sitting at the back of the cashier table of Guard, mini market nearby my neighbourhood. This job, though helps me cover my little sister’s school fee, was so pathetic. Sitting from 10 a.m. to 04 p.m. every day really gave me pain in my ass! Really! So, while my friends started to go to their university to reach every dream they have, I was stuck at this point! When they read literature works, I spent most of my time reading expiration date on the label can.

I did not blame my faith. No! I faced this situation as cool as every 19 years old teenagers could. I did my job well. I gave my attention to every customer coming, including sweet smile for extra. I read in public library to sharpen my brain. I also took care of my “ancestor”; I used to call my motorcycle like that, although this “ancestor” sometimes forced me to pull it a long the road. Especially, I never blamed my parents for every thing that happens to me. They love me as much as every parent can do. It was not their fault that I couldn’t go to the university or that I only had motorcycle to ride. They supported me with love and laughter. And every time I felt disappointed with my friends, they were always there for me, giving diversion for my broken heart. It is a beautiful life.

Though, if this is a beautiful life, why I am here? Sitting on my old motorcy-cle, smoking cheap cigarette, doing nothing on the rail waiting for the train. If this is a beautiful life, why am I not moving from my spot as the train is getting closer and closer? If this is a beautiful life, why are tears rolling down my cheek when I heard the train thundering straight to my spot? Why don’t I fell any regret when the train runs over my body? Why there is no peace that I expect when I heard my bones bro-ken into pieces? Why? Because this is a beautiful li...


End.

Do you know how much i miss you?

Sometimes a lie can make us happy, at least for a while. Because i'm happy after telling a lie to my heart that you STILL love me like you used to do. There is no words that explain the way I feel right now. I'm speechless and my heart is in pain. You disappointed me yet again. When i sing, I start to cry. Tempted, I try not to cry. I try my hardest to not shed a tear.

Dear "Tummy", sorry for the butterflies; "Pillow", sorry for the tears; "Heart", sorry for the damage.  Dear "Brain", sorry for the overload and you were right.

Just because I smile doesn't mean that I'm happy. My smile is just a mask hiding my pain

So.... don't you think I should run?

Run away and be free.... go outside and sleep beside a tree....

You're the reason for the stars in the sky.
But you're also the reason for the teardrops on my pillow, dad.
I'm smiling because mommy told me i would meet you someday, for a while i started to doubt, maybe NOT NOW. Do you know how much i miss you?



PS: did i mention im really sad ??

Never judge people by their appearences

One beautiful spring day a red rose blossomed in a forest. Many trees and plants also grew there. As the rose looked around, a pine tree nearby said, "what a beautiful flower, I wish I was that lovely." Another tree replied, "dear pine, don't be sad, we can't have everything."

The rose turned its head and remarked, "it seems that I am the most beautiful plant in this forest." A sunflower raised its yellow head and asked, "why do you say that? There are many beautiful plants in this forest. You are just one of them." Red rose replied, "I see everyone looking at me and admiring me."

Then the rose looked at a cactus and said, "look at that ugly plant full of thorns!"

Pine tree said, "red rose, what kind of talk is this? Who can say what beauty is? You also have many thorns.

The proud red rose looked angrily and said, "I thought you had good taste, but you don't actually know what beauty is at all. You can't compare my thorns to that cactus one"

What a proud flower, thought another trees.

The rose tried to move its roots away from the cactus, but it couldn't move. As days passed, the red rose looked at the cactus and saying insulting things, "this plant is useless, how sorry I am to be his neighbor"

The cactus never got upset and he even tried to advise the rose, "God didn't create any form of life without a purpose."

Spring passed, the weather became very warm and life became difficult in the forest, as the plants and animals needed water but no rain fell. The red rose began wilt.

One day, the rose saw sparrows stick their beaks into the cactus and then fly away, refreshed. This was puzzling, and the rose asked the pine tree, what the birds were doing. The pine tree explained, "the birds got water from the cactus".

"Doesn't it hurt when they make holes?" asked the rose.

"Yes, but the cactus doesn't like to see the birds suffer," replied the pine.

The red rose opened its eyes in wonder and said, "the cactus has water."

"Yes, you can also drink from it. The sparrow can bring water to you if you ask cactus for help", answered the pine tree.

The red rose felt too ashamed of its past word and behavior to ask for water from the cactus, but the rose finally did ask the cactus for help. The cactus kindly agreed and the birds filled their beaks with water and watered the rose's roots. Thus, the rose learned a lesson and never judge anyone by their appearance again.

Therefore, in order to judge person exactly, it's really important for us to spent a longer time in getting along with him or her, so that we can have a deep knowledge about his/her personality. One more thing, judging other by their external appearance also mean that you lack respect and admiration for them. Furthermore, external appearance differs from one to another, so we can't set it as a main factor to draw a conclusion about a person. For example, there're many kinds of skin color in this world and if we judge people through these criteria, it'll easily cause international racism and conflicts, more seriously, it can lead to a war.

Thank you for standing by me through thick and thin

Once upon a time not long a go, I have a very not nice conversation with one of my best friend. In the middle of cold pass midnight, we are talking about my life. As you know, my life’s sucks. So it was a goddamned sucks conversations! We are talking about how can I ever did some decision before. About the price that cost me for making those choices. About every absu’fucking’lutely things that happened to me after it. About the effects that come after it.

I believe that she did it for her concern of me. And I really appreciate it. It is hard to find such good friend like her. The willingness that she has to receive every pain that I have is way over touching me. She is the perfect listener that I had for that moment. When burdens are too heavy for me to handle by myself, she is the first thing that is need, a friend to listen.

It just that, there are things in my life that I am not ready to share to anyone else. There is certain burden that I am not yet ready to tell even to someone I trusted most. The pain that so heavy for even it is too hard for me to let it out from my mouth. Things that are there for me to cry on and on for there is nothing else I can do.

I wonder, is it just me, or you too feel that there are things in your life that you are not willing anyone to know? Things that you are too afraid to admit? Some past situation that you are desperately avoid to talking about to anyone but your own thought? Things that haunted you all the times and you know that the solution is to tell anyone, but you never did that. Things that are in the top of your tongue, but never released in any conversations.

Do we always have to carry all that pain by ourselves? Or do we have to let someone we trust to know? Do we strong enough to just pull out the trash form our brain and spare it to the floor? Or do we have to swallow all of that trash again and hurt our tongue for the trash is sharp enough to cut our throat?

I don’t know. I’m not yet found the answer. But I promise you my friend, when I know I will tell you the answer. After that, maybe I can start thinking about the best way for me to allow you to sit in and listen to my life’s story.

By the way, what you have done was helping me enough for now. And I thank you for being there and asking. Once again, thank you for that after hour conversation.