Is it worth holding on to?

When you're about to leave, look back and remember the war you have been through.

This is what actually happen to me right at this moment. I am pretty tired guys.. I am not tired for working over night or walking though those way down to factory, not at all. I just tired to get argue with someone I deeply love for my job. He didn't complain or angry for my busy days here, he just worried too much sometimes. I know he loves me, but unfortunately it seems that he don't believe me that I do love him too. Sometimes, I just have no more idea how to continue to sit on my desk with this situation. Sometimes, I even ask myself, do I need to leave this company to avoid this kind of argue? Just say I'm leaving this building, then where should I walk, which direction? I have too much things to think, honestly my head is overloaded recently.

I tried to start my days with big smile, no matter how hurt my heart is, no matter how much pain I suffered the night before. Sometimes, I do want to give up on my job, then I looked back for what I've been through here, even sometimes I looked back for what I've been through in college, before I announced as the first rank in my dept, the best students in the class, the most hard-working student in German dept, the one who got a change to go to Germany for exchange student program; for those accomplishment I got, do I really have to give up now?


The most difficult situation you can ever be faced with is deciding whether you should just move on or hold on a little tighter.

Life's change

It's been a while i didn't open my blog. I was pretty busy this lately... busy for something that I just met for about month.. I got a job, recently, actually it is not recent anymore since I've been worked in this company for almost 6 months. I did love my job here, I love my supervisor, Tiffany, I love almost every coworker here; I believe some of them love me too while in the other side there are some people who don't really understand why the other love my existence here.

My life is pretty different compare with what I had before. Everything changed, the environment, the sleeping schedule, the shopping time, social life, almost everything changed here. First of all, I live in the dorm here, pretty far away from everywhere, which makes me going one step far from normal civilazation. The second one, the internet connection here is terrible, which pulls me one more step far from my previous social life. Beside that, I've been really really busy without any reasonable reason. It is not because I can't accomplish my task, but it actually because I'm working as a new employee in a new company, where everything was messed up due some unclear reason. When I asked someone why this things happen here, they said, "it's normal for new company. Don't need to be shocked or worried". That was the first time in my life I feel really really "lost", and I almost crazy for that. But don't worry, I am fine here, and still in the normal mentally condition till this moment. The third changes things is my daily life schedule. I used to study everyday before, I even love to visit the library during my free time. And I would have time to watch some Naruto episode before I sleep. That what I usually did before I move to this place. For now, I don't even have time to watch my Naruto series, and once I have free time to watch it, again,,, I stuck with the internet connection problems here, so.. I guess.. I will just give up for my Naruto series till they could manage to provide a better internet connection here.

I think above points is the most extreme changes of my habit right now. I am not complaining for the changes, I just hope I could survive here with those changes, and I guess I'm fine with them. Probably it's time to change.. My "fun" term is over and I turned to another "serious" term life. Honestly, I learned a lot here, that's why I am glad to be here. I don't know what might happen in the future, but I'm sure there is something good waiting for me to discover in the future, and I am on the way to discover the "buried treasure" right now. So, no matter what happen, I believe there is a lesson need to be learned in every step of my life. I am on this progress right now, and it isn't bad at all. I tried to enjoy my days here and I think I get use for it now. I am doing good here, I start my day with a smile in my face, I did cry for some reason, but overall,,, I think I am fine, I just need more time to adapt with this new life.

Last but not least... somehow I feel I am blessed here.

Am I Alone??

Once upon a time not long a go, I have to confront the feeling that I usually can deny. It was started when I sat on my boarding room, listening to Manhattan Transfer’s album and replying some email or messages that was sent by my friends on facebook. To keep my eyes open, I pour a glass of wine. The first glass then followed by another glass and another glass and much more another glass. Before I realize, I was already drunk! During my drunk, every emotion that was keep inside me flooding out like tsunami wave. In normal condition, I always react my emotion with though and strong confident. Under alcohol condition, I am just a girl who lost in the crowd, crying to be save by his father.

On my drunken situation, I have to stand face to face with my loneliness. In the surface, I may look happy about my life. Peoples around me see me as hard worker, ambitious and have bright future young women. The fact that I have no one beside me was something that I never realized before. I mean, I knew I am single, live alone, and make friend with laptop. But, it doesn’t mean that I am alone, right?

I wonder is there anyone else feeling the same with me? Feel that you are all alone in this world full of people? When communication gadget was improved amazingly, is there any of us feel that we are, truly, all alone?
Is it just me or you too, busy with our own life, without realizing that we are sadly alone? Or maybe we realize it, but keep on deny it? Our heart desperately demands for someone, but our mind avoids it by keep telling ourselves that we are not alone? Our minds have the strongest power, you know. We even can say that we are not ill, while our nose has turn to blue for cold.

Maybe this is what happens to me. All this years, my mind keeps on saying that I am not alone. Without my conscious, I then accept that as I am living. That theory explains why I feel alone when I am drunk. People’s minds are dull when he is drunk, right? So when I drunk, my heart takes my mind’s place on organizing my emotion and tadaaa… all the hidden feeling are revealing. That also explains why drunker feel that s/he is more miserable than anyone else is. Because actually we are all living miserable, it just that we are not realise it.

Later that night, when I am drunk enough, I bravely decided to call the love of my life, Indrawan. His answering machine answered. I, then, talked to that god damned machine saying how much I miss him, how sorry I am for everything that happened, and how desperately lonely I am without him. Or maybe something else, I can’t remember exactly what I said. I am drunk, remember? I do not know whether he has listened my message or not, for he never reply or gave comments about it. Well, maybe he needs to be drunk first before he has enough courage to reveal what he feels about me and tell me about it.

“…people fell her/his loneliness not when s/he is sad or fail, s/he faced it exactly when s/he laugh for her/his success but there are no one to laugh with…”

above story was originally written a long time ago, when Tyrannosaurus Rex was a king. Hahahaha

Do what we love or love what we do

Do what you love to do. Have you ever imagine of working everyday in your life, hating every single minute of doing your work? Well i have tried, but i can't imagine it. I think it's too disastrous. Well then, to avoid that, we have 2 options. Do what we love, or love what we do. While we still have chance, as we're young now, I'd rather choose the first one. =)

A lot of people say (well, success people said it in their seminars, books, or whatsoever, then i heard from many sources, friends mostly =p) to do what we love is one of the great secrets of success. This is also one of our primary responsibility in life. It is to find out what we really enjoy doing. What is our natural talent, and then to throw our whole heart into doing that very very well. Like one of my mentor often says, "Stand in your position of strength".

To be success we have to find the field where our natural strengths and abilities are exactly, what is required to do our job so that we can achieve the result we desired. Most success people said that they never work a day in their life. When we are doing what we love to do, we seem to have a continuous flow of excitement, energy, and idea to do what we do even better. 

Here are two important questions to help you : if you have already become a successful person and have all the money and time you need, would you continue what you are currently doing? Would you stay at your current activity? These simple questions will actually tell you what you're really dreaming for, where your heart belongs. People who succeed in their life usually will say that they will continue what they are currently doing. They love their work so much that they won’t even think of leaving it or retiring. Perhaps the greatest responsibility of adult life, when we are surrounded by so many different choices of occupation or activity, is for us to find out what it is that we really love doing and then to dedicate our self to that field and no one else can do it for us. Each one of us is unique and when we can develop our "uniqueness" and become the best of ourselves, we will succeed.

No career or other person can bring you satisfaction if you are dissatisfied with yourself. Because who we are makes a difference.